The Desert Gadabout

The realistic college freshman checklist

If you're looking for a legitimate checklist, this is complete, if not very practical. If you are a parent of a child heading off the college for the first time, this is the real list:

• Lots of this
• Or one of these

That should cover it. Also, if you are sending your son to Arizona State, please realize the enormous challenges of this great academic institution. If you're sending your daughter there, I suggest a new fashion statement.

(Inspiration: collegeboard.com)

An honest Arizona map

Time for some Campaignin'

Just in case this somehow hasn't made it to your inbox yet ... brilliant ...

The Duchovny Theory

I have a list of actors who I think should stop acting entirely and start writing. Ben Affleck, for example, is an awful actor, but potentially a very good writer.

David Duchovny is another one of those actors. Watched him on Leno last night and he offered a brilliant theory on alien abductions. A point-by-point paraphrase of the Duchovny Theory:

- Whenever someone's abducted, it seems the abductees always have their teeth drilled or their anuses probed.

- Western literature is replete with references to a ship of fools, a boat in which society has filled up with the insane and deranged and shoved them out to sea without a pilot.

- This causes one to ponder an alien civilization doing this with their dentists and sexual deviants, sending them off into space, only to find their way into our galaxy to abduct us to drill our teeth and probe our anuses.